Disillusionment

Today, I’m feeling disillusioned. All the things I felt happy about and content with during the last few days feel stupid and fake now, like I was just pretending to be happy. You may remember that last week I was feeling manic. I felt the symptoms coming and wrote about it briefly in I’m up too early…hypo-mania is here. Because my medicine keeps me from going off the charts, I come back down within a few days/weeks. I believe the downward spiral started yesterday, and today will probably be the worst day. Tomorrow, I could be back up on the top where life is exactly how I think it should be.

Here are a few of the things going through my mind today:

I have wasted so much time. I have a college degree and am not using it. At best, my sociology degree shows that I attended college. Other than enjoying what I learned about, it is useless unless I get a masters or PhD and teach. It sucks. I wish I’d just gone to technical school and picked up trade skills, skills which put me on a particular money-making path, something that is in demand, something that makes looking for a job very specific. Even if I decided to work again in the future, I would have to look for entry-level office or retail jobs, as that is all my sociology degree seems to qualify for. This would not be fulfilling. I hate answering phones.

I detest having a pet. I’m serious. Yes, she is adorable and sweet and cuddly, however the responsibility lies almost completely on me. I only agreed to the dog because my son soooo wanted a puppy for so long. I don’t want to get up and go for a walk first thing in the morning. Even though it’s my son’s responsibility to pick up the poop in the yard, he constantly comes back in saying he can’t find any, forcing me to have to go out and point it all out to him. He complains about having to take an evening walk, picking up poop and having to stop what he’s doing to play with the wide-awake dog that he just had to have. I wish I’d’ve just said no and dealt with him whining about wanting a dog for the rest of the time he lives in my house.

I know that some might think I have a perfect life. After all, my husband is fine with me staying at home. After I’ve spent a short time tidying up the house, doing laundry and dishes each day and having groceries bought and meals prepared, I’ve got the rest of the day to do as I please. My son goes to a day camp all summer long, so I’ve got even more time during the summer than I do during the school year. I feel ashamed that I’m not in a perfect mood every day. I feel like I have turned into a spoiled brat. I hate this about myself.

I hate having these terrible mood swings. I am confused about how I truly feel. Are the good days the way I really feel, or is it the bad? Or, maybe it’s neither. Maybe I’m incapable of actually feeling one way about anything. Maybe it’s only ever going to be “all or nothing” for me, depending on my mood.

 

9 thoughts on “Disillusionment

  1. I know what it’s like to have low days, where you can’t see any positives in a life that is full of many positives. I also know the feeling of guilt when you think of those positives but can’t bring yourself to see them. Social media does have a lot to answer for, painting perfect pictures of life, overwhelming you that everyone is having it so easy. Just think, for every ‘perfect’ family pictures, there were about a dozen taken before hand that were a complete mess, thats how I get through the day 🙂

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  2. I can completely relate to all of this. I feel guilty for having a mental illness or thins I can’t handle. I have a perfect life, hubby has a great career and I am takin care of financially, I have three happy healthy beautiful children, I have my health, I have the freedom to go back to school…. etc. I feel spoiled when I’m unhappy or anxious or Up or down … or anything but happy. I also hate having pets. I have two cats because my kids wanted pets and I do the litter box clean up and the feeding. Then if we travel I have to find a cat sitter, there are vet bills …etc. I love my cats, but sometimes I wish we were pet free.

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    • I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one. Thank you for taking the time to share this. I have so wanted to go back to school. I simply cannot commit to anything specific. I am scared with my ups and downs that I won’t be able to do my best and that even with more schooling I won’t want to work (assuming I still don’t have to). I’m also scared that I will see it as a waste of money, an expensive hobby. However, I keep thinking that when my son starts getting more independent and rides off on his own with his friends on a regular basis, I will need something to do with all of this time (I don’t feel that reading every book available is a great life goal – guilt 😟)

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      • I worry about school and my ability to finish and further about my ability to work. Some days I can see the bigger picture and think that I’ll be able to work and maybe even give hubby some time off since he’s been working so hard for so long and some days I am crippled by the anxiety and thoughts that this has all been a mistake and what was I even thinking trying to be a functioning adult.
        I like the idea though that it is a good use of time. My therapist once told me that the time will pass anyway I may as well do something with it.

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